Defeating Self-Criticism.

During my run this afternoon, I had an epiphany. I learned something I already knew. But sometimes, it is one thing to know it, another to believe it. The light-bulb turned on. I had an A-Ha moment.

I hit a milestone in my training, since I started using a tracking device for my running workouts. I completed 250 miles. My average pace today was 8 seconds faster per kilometer than the previous workout and 50 seconds faster than my average kilometer pace from the previous year.

WOO-HOO!!!

And my initial thought, Wow! you are slow!!! (Talk about self-defeat!)

I just ran hard, in the cold, pushing the last 1.5km to finish hard and strong (my goal for every run-- to push through the finish), and my thought was definitely NOT, 'way to go!'....... somewhere in the thoughts, was this sucks.

Much of my self-defeat stems from my frustration surrounding my cycling accident. I have struggled to get my fitness back, to be able to train consecutive days and weeks and even months, without injury or set-back. (After the cycling accident, I would train easy and it would take several days to recover, sometimes a week, because my adrenals were off. I had been given the gift of time).

My other drama surrounds the memories of where I was performance-wise, what I could do..... and that is sometimes very different from where I am now.

It is easy to be a cheer-leader for someone else and praise for accomplishments and remind them that the performance of the past may be matched in other capacities, it is another to believe it in yourself.

And in that, I learned today that I can only compare myself to my performance of yesterday and the day that I am doing it. It doesn't matter what I did prior to the cycling accident, it matters what I am doing now. (Those memories prior are great motivators to achieve that fitness level again, but I cannot compare performance until I get there again........ and I may not as I am two-years older and my focus is a little different.... but I can train with the same ambition and intensity). It's ok to let it go!

My other frustration comes from comparing not only what I have accomplished previously, but comparing myself to others. I need to worry about ME and ONLY ME when I am running, cycling, swimming, lifting, kayaking.... out on the road... What someone else is doing, doesn't impact my training, unless I am training with that person. (I have been known to race people while I am swimming..... how many laps does it take to pass them again, or wow... why can i not keep up... or tossing my pace/goal out the window to keep up! --this can be relevant when I am working on improving a skill, b/c we gain by training with people who are better than ourselves, but not when I need to focus on my task at hand). It is perfectly acceptable for me to run SLOW, STOP, or run speedy fast without concern for someone else's performance on the road.

I know that while I had this awe-inspiring epiphany, it might take a bit for my mind to accept what my body knows.

See you on the road. Be kind if you run by like the road-runner.......